


Confesions

by Littleamethystc



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27631811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littleamethystc/pseuds/Littleamethystc
Summary: This is just a random series of thoughts and confesions.





	Confesions

**Author's Note:**

> If you plan on reading this, please keep in mind that english isn't my first language and this work won't be beta read or corrected/searched for mistakes so there might be plenty of them.

**Love.**

Love is a funny thing. All my life i've been searching for it, imagening, dreaming and hoping for the day that love will arive in my live. I'm a hopeless romantic, i romantize live in a way most people see kind of stupid. But i belive in it, i always did. 

4 years ago, i could have never imagined how much this ideal of mine could actually hurt, how it could destroy my vision of life because of one person and an unfortunate event.

Love was my dream. 

Love was everything i hoped life to be.

Love and only love. Love was absolut in my eyes. It still is in some way.

But then. Then you came into my life. At the beggining i found you annoying, scary sometimes, my instincts told me to stay away. Then, as i got to know you, you eased your way into my heart, bit by bit i started to crush on you. When i got thro my first break up, you were there to support me. Then i made the mistake to fall in love with you. If only i had stayed just friends with you, waited till we would have met, if i didn't act out on my feelings, we would still be talking. But i was selfish. I wanted you as fast as i could, so i confesed. You liked me too, i was happy, i was excited. You made my heart shine again after it was broken. I had a feeling you might have liked me too. But still, it made me so happy to hear you say how long you've been feeling it for. It made me feel so wanted, and i loved that feeling. I wanted to know everything about you, the good and the bad, the sad and the happy, your passions, your friends, your state of mind. And i wanted to tell you everything about me too (but that was too much for you to handle). You gave me so much hope and happiness and inspiration to create. You made me finally work on my dream of making games. I made a game for you, for you only too play, for you to help u understand my way of thinking better(.. but you left before i managed to finish it. you never played it and it hurt to have something so meaningfull for me, never accomplish it's mission). 

Then you left. You told me i was overhealming, i was too much to handle, you said you felt like my therapist not my girlfriend. You held it all in untill you couldnt no more, instead of telling me so we could have fixed it. You left. I felt you distancing from me before that, i knew it was coming, but i put my hope and trust in your promises and belived you wouldnt leave that easily. But you did. You did and it destryed me. It broke me like i had never been broken before. 

The day before you left, I told you i wanted to die. And you helped me do it. You killed me emotionally. And i've never felt like i was dieing before, i didnt know the feeling. Now i do. Cause i've been dieing since then. I never stoped dieing, at least if i was already dead.. I suffered a lot, i stopped eating, i couldnt sleep or do anything, i cryed in continuu. I felt broken. I was broken. I still am broken. It hurts so much to know i've never mattered to you, that i was so easy to erase from your life and mind, that you move on so easyly while i'm still struggling not to cry even after all this time. You said we could stay friends, and i tryed, but you didnt. It was destroying me on the inside to see you be so cold to me so suddenly. You didnt want to even try.. Did i really mean so nothing to you? I guess i never knew you at all. You left, and after so many tries i understoon you never intended to stay after that at all. So i let you go. I stopped reaching out, i know you want nothing to do with me now, so i;m freeing you from the burden of my text. 

What i hate the most is that i can not bring myself to hate you, even after all the hurt i've been thro( all the hurt you knew i'd go thro, cause you were well aware of this from before). All i can feel about you now is a cold love and a spark of hope that you are well. And saddnes and regret. a lot of regret. It's been 3 months since then, and i still didnt manage to move on. You've been in my life for 3 months as my friend, and one as my lover, so why does it hurt so much yet? I'm so sorry that i lost my friend too. I loved you even before we dated, i loved you as a friend. But i guess you never wanted that. You never wanted me as a friend, you were just aster the high of the relationship, and then you left.. you left after i had told you how scared and terrified i was that you would. 

In the first week i felt like i was dieing. My body could take only so many mental hits at one, it broke, i lost conciosness, i fell down.. i was lucky, didnt broke anything. But my mom got worried, got me to see doctors, so many inconviniences. That's the moment when i started faking it, i forced myself to eat again, to do.. something.. other than crying all day and night. I finished the game, barely and with a cold heart. My game.. where the end was my forever question to you "Oh how i wonder, if you'll stay.." but now i had the answer, i didnt know if it even was worth it to finish it now.. but i forced myself to do it, to detach it from you in some way, to give it a new meaning, a proof that i am stronger that you could ever imagine, proof that i could do amasing things, proof that i am better than the post-break-up-depression.

I kept faking it for one month, that was untill the breaking point when i found you on tinder. That broke me all over again, seeing your face there.. I thought "was i THAT bad that you ended up here? you.." she never hit me like the kind of person that would be there. That's when i broke again, messaged her again, reavealing how broken i still was. that was the moment she never responded ever again. I tryed to appologies to you, multiple times. it didnt matter, I DIDNT MATTER to you anymore, maybe i never did. It hurt anyway. Since then I stopped faking it, but now.. 3 months in and I can see how everyone tells me to stop thinking of her (if only i could), to stop caring (i cant), to let go (im trying so hard), so now.. 3 month in, i'm gonna fake it again. They don't need to know my pain anymore. 

And so, i've found fit to start writing as a coping mechanism. Because the others are known by them, are made impossible to use while faking it. They dont need to know how much i'm dieing on the inside still, how i'm waiting for my heart to heal, to be able to move on, to love again. 

This is the most private way of coping that i have at the moment. And once i've moved on i wanna look back at this and think "way was such a big deal to me then?" and laugh. Because in the end, i will be fine, i will be happy again, and you will no longer linger my mind like a trace of a drug i've long since then been sobber of. 

Goodbye my love,

forever yours, a heart of love. 


End file.
